Romantically speaking, I was never in a relationship with a human person. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t been in any kind of relationship. The truth is, I have been into different kinds of relationships that is the same with having a boyfriend, however, with the exception of an actual boyfriend. I’m talking about my work.
As much as I would like to think that my work is just work, I can’t, because there is so much emotions and feelings involved – from the very first time I started working and having my heart crushed so hard, to the present one where I am no longer happy.
I have been working with my current company for two years. This is so far the longest work period I had. I am not bragging about it because I know two years is still a short work experience. Nonetheless, I had experienced a lot of things within these years.
In my previous work, I was so attached with my work and my workmates. I stay late in the office to finish work or to do work for the next day. I even go to work on weekends.
I was putting so much effort for a low paying job. Obviously, it was not worth it. So I came to the point of quitting. Learning from this experience, I promised myself that the next time I work for a company, it won’t be like this. I won’t attach myself with work and with colleagues. I will just deliver what is expected from me – nothing more, nothing less.
It worked for almost one and a half year on my next job. I had few friends at work, but they are the best. And I had time for myself and family because I don’t do overtime.
However, things changed. I was transferred from a different department and I had to leave my original team. I have met new people and in just one month I was able to increase my company connections. I was happier and work seems like a playground. I am starting to fall in love with it. So my plan of leaving the company after a month of being transferred to a new department was forgotten.
So when a new company asked me to work for them, instead of being excited, I was deeply bothered and confused.
I don’t want to leave my new team. I am happy with them. I don’t need a new job. I am already contented with my current one.
The offer was good and the company seems to really like me. I was flattered. The feeling to be needed is so good that I said yes. But for a split second, I realized the things that I’ll be leaving behind once I left. Suddenly, a hole in my heart appeared that made me retract my answer.
Declining the company’s offer felt good. It is as if, for the first time, I was able to say no and stand up for something that I love.
Even though it was hard, I was happy with my decision – choosing the one I love over the one who loves me.
I thought being with the one you love is enough. But two weeks after, I suddenly got tired. All my efforts were suddenly taken for granted. I felt useless all of a sudden.
I realized that the thing that I fought for is not worth it. No matter how much I love it, it won’t return the same amount of love I am willing to give. It may sound selfish, but giving and not receiving is just painful. Now, I end up empty and broken.
I have regretted the time I said no, when I already said yes. I wished I could turn back the time and give that company who wants me a chance. I wished I have given the one who love me a chance. I know it won’t be easy at first, but I know that company will try its best to do something for me that will make me happy.
But I missed my chance. I pushed away the one who loves me. And I have no right to want it back again.
This may be one of those regret pills I’ll be taking once I looked back 5 years from now.