I am not a driver. I don’t know how to drive. But being a passenger for so long has given me the thrill of being in a fast moving vehicle. I know the exciting and freeing feeling of driving very fast on a smooth road. It is fun and very liberating. It’s as if you are one with the air, and there is nothing in this world except for that wonderful moment. But this feeling is not lasting. Whether you like it or not, you have to hit the brake and stop or else you’ll crash into something hard.
I never thought that liking someone would also be like driving at full speed, where you lose all control of the situation and you let that liberating feeling to consume you. It’s as if flying without the presence of wings. Time stops and all you have is that beautiful transcending feeling. You close your eyes and all you can feel is being alive because of that love for that person.
At first, I thought it was wonderful, but later on, I started to be scared.
I never thought that I will start liking someone whose existence in my life is so small, that I barely pay attention to him. I was already contented with the casual friendship we have. But then, suddenly, in just a few days, his existence started to grow big.
The small talks, simple smiles and friendly concern turned into something deeper. I was oblivious to the growing feeling inside me, so when I was able to finally acknowledge it, I was already in deep trouble.
I have never asked God to specifically give me someone to love. But when I finally realized what I feel for that someone is something more than friendship, I started to pray for him to be with me. I know it was selfish of me to ask someone for myself. But I can’t stop myself from doing that. And that is the big problem.
I am now driving at full speed towards him. I am falling deeper and deeper for this person. And it scared the shit out of me. Because I know, if I didn’t hit the brake and stop right now, I’ll definitely crash.
The problem is I can’t hit that brake. It is so hard to stop this feeling. As I have said, I am losing my control.
Others might think that I should just let myself fall for him and enjoy the moment – that I should just give in to the feeling. But, it is not that easy.
I may give in to this feeling, but I don’t think he will be able to recognize this and that is the problem.
I am loving the most difficult man I have ever met. No matter what I do to show him I care, he will never acknowledge it. No matter how obvious I show him that I like him, he will never notice. I know, because I have done it. Even if love can be put into boxes and be delivered in his doorstep, he still won’t notice. He is the most dense and insensitive guy I have known. Despite that, I still continue to like him.
I realized that sometimes, it is not about your love not being returned that is most painful. I realized that an unacknowledged feeling is a lot worse.
Loving him is like pouring water in a cup with a big hole at the bottom. No matter how large the quantity of water you pour into it, it will never fill up.
It is a sad truth. That is why, I am struggling to hit the brake and stop myself from loving him. I need to, before I ran out of love to give.
How about you? Can you hit that brake and stop or will you let yourself be consumed with driving so fast, even though you are not sure with the destination?