I always remind myself to grab every opportunity that will come my way. I also make sure to try things that I have not tried before, and push myself to keep on trying until I succeed. All these, in the hope that I won’t have any regrets for the missed opportunities or chances in my life.
This year I decided to do a list that I would like to accomplish. One of the things that I have listed is to join a contest.
Last April, I decided to fulfill this by joining in a prestigious and huge competition. Even before I created my 2014 to do list, I have fancied being part of this event. So, in order to make this dream a reality, I immediately prepared all the necessary requirements. I made efforts in meeting all the contest’s demands. I’ve invested time, effort, and money.
I am aware with the difficulty of entering the said competition. Winning is next to impossible especially for a first timer like me. So, I was just praying that the organizers will be generous enough to at least accept me. That is why, I was very happy when I found out that I was one of the many who will be screened for the contest.
Knowing this, I became hopeful, that despite the difficulty of winning in this event, I was one of those who were given a chance to become a victor. It was a really good feeling. But I made sure that this hope will not get in my head. So, I did not set my expectations very high.
Having my expectations at bay, I still find myself in utter disbelief that I did not win.
I know losing will be painful given all the efforts that I have invested. But being miserable of losing will not get me anywhere. I have to move on and be thankful that at least I became a part of the event.
However, up until now, I find it difficult to reconcile the disappointments that I am feeling. Considering my previous experiences, I know I can somehow manage to move on. But whenever I remember the contest and the list of winners, bitterness is eating up all of me.
My mind keeps on telling me that I should be the one listed there. The feeling that I deserve winning keeps on lingering inside me. I am even confident to say that I am more deserving than those who they hailed winners.
I don’t know where this cockiness is coming from. I am even surprised to feel this. This is a very unusual and unfamiliar feeling to me.
This confusion has made me realized something about myself. That is, there are still things about me that I need to discover and that I don’t fully know myself.
I know that this is a very alarming realization. Of all people in this world, I should be the one to be aware of what kind of person I am. But my incapacity to fully understand myself seems to give me a psychological dilemma, that hopefully is not serious enough to require me any medical attention.
Putting this aside, the experience of losing has made me realized that there are things that will test or show me my true feelings. My feelings or personality is yet to be cultivated by external factors that are sometimes beyond my reach.
I’m sad that I lost and I am not happy that I seemed to not be able to fully accept this fact.
Losing is something but being bitter is a different thing.
Having all these considered, I am worried that I won’t be able to do something about this. However, I am still hopeful that by acknowledging this new found weakness, I will be able to do something about it.
I believe that our personality is honed and influenced by different factors. These factors can come from experiences. It may be hard to understand our own self sometimes, but it is never too late to discover our identity.
I think it is only normal to feel disappointed and be bitter about something that did not meet our expectations. But, I believe that in every disappointment and trial we faced, there is learning and new experience acquired.
Lastly, I may not be able to win the competition, but at least I have tried and will be trying again.
How about you? Have you discovered something new about yourself recently?