Going to a sex toy shop is something that I never thought I would do in my entire life. For humanity’s sake, there are a lot of important things to do than to waste time in an obscene place. But I did it and despite the things I saw (which is impossible to unseen) is something I don’t regret.
Coming from a conservative family, talking about sex is considered improper and inappropriate. It is a topic limited only to married couples. In my family, no matter how matured you are, if you are not married, talking about this sensitive topic is very indecent. So, my idea about sex is just at the front of a close door.
Until I read articles from Ana Santos, a sex educator and Shakira Sison, an award-winning essayist whose works focused mostly on homosexuality, that I got curious about all the underlying truths about sex and sexuality. However, despite the learning I got from these eloquent and brave writers, I know that my knowledge about these sensitive things are still limited but this doesn’t stop me from opening my mind to these kinds of things and being responsible with all the learning I get.
So feeling responsible and matured, after a minute of stunned reaction, I took my friend’s invitation to enter a sex toy shop. I don’t know what is his motive for wanting to go inside. We were just walking in a street when suddenly he asked if I want to come. Since I was not able to respond at first (because I was really hesitant), that he retracted his invitation immediately. His retraction suddenly triggered an unsettling feeling inside me, so without logical thinking, I said yes and so, ladies and gentlemen, we enter the infamous store.
I thought, I was able to prepare myself and set proper expectations from the situation. But I was wrong. I was so scandalized with everything inside.
I know, I was not ready to see those things. It was hard to keep my cool and be calm in that situation. I want to go out. My mind was going crazy and I know that my cheeks are getting red. I want to say sorry for my eyes for dragging them to see those indecent things. But then again, as I have said, these are things we cannot unseen.
I was speechless when we were already outside. I know that I have to give my friend some explanation about what I am feeling. But I can’t seem to find ANY words to say. There were just so many things going on in my mind that I can no longer think properly. I was gathering all my strengths and wits to keep calm and avoid bursting in humiliation.
But that experience made me realized a lot of things.
It is not the sex toys or the lewd things, which God who knows what are for, but the experience I got, in taking that decision and by being in that place.
I am not proud with my decision of going inside that store. But given the chance to go back again in that moment, I would probably go inside again. Because, more than satisfying my curiosity, is the braveness I felt when I accepted that challenge.
I may have felt uncomfortable being in that place, but that moment taught me to open my mind more and be calm about it.
I may not be that matured enough for these things, but I don’t think it is enough reason to stop myself from doing something innocuous, like just going inside. It is still up to me on how I will use the experience I had. (Just to clarify, I am not talking about using those things.)
We may have different reactions about the whole thing, and I am not forcing anyone to agree with me. What I just want to share is that unique feeling of doing something you never thought you could do. It is very empowering and liberating.
I may just be over reacting about the whole thing, but it is not everyday that you get to hear someone admit (especially one coming from a conservative family) something like this. I am not also judging those people who go to this kind of place. But these kinds of situation and decisions are things we take from time to time. We may regret or not, being in that situation or taking that decision, what is important is we learn from it.