How slapping my first love changed my love status now

I was in grade one when I first rejected a boy.

He was a classmate and a friend. Being too close with each other, I never thought that he will shock me with a sudden love confession.

I don’t know what to do at that time. We were just finished playing when he said that he likes me. Having no idea with what is going on or more exactly with what to feel, I instinctively slapped him in the face. I did not give him the chance to explain or to repeat what he said just to clarify everything when I decided to walk out in that situation.

Since then he never talked to me and I never talked to him either. I was too embarassed with what happened that I never had the guts to at least apologize for my rude behaviour.

Actually, I also find the boy attractive. However, since I was very young and unaware, I have no idea how to respond. Perhaps what I did to him was a defense on my part of the embarrassment that I thought I received at that time.

Whenever I remember that fateful day, I can’t help but feel regretful and ashamed with myself. It was obviously the most improper reaction to someone who just showed their affection to you. Not only did I reject the boy, I also humiliated him for no reason in front of our friends.

That ended our friendship. It was the first time I lost a good friend.

I thought that would be the first and last time that I will experience that. However, to my luck, it was again repeated when I was in grade four.

One of my classmates who is also our neighbor, suddenly approached me and directly confessed his feelings. It was exactly the same scenario four years ago. I was left stunned and embarrassed with the confession that I, again, slapped the poor boy. Feeling dejected, I run away and went home. I also did not apologize to him.

And I know, just like that first encounter, another friendship has ended.

After these encounters, I thought no boy would be brave enough to confess to me or at least approach me. But to my surprise, another boy came and confessed.

Learning from past experiences, I tried my best not to slap the boy and walk out from the situation. Even though I don’t really like the boy, I tried to be good to him. I accepted whatever he gives me. I even let him walk me home after school. I ignore the awkwardness I was feeling when I’m with him. I was really being kind. I thought, by doing this, I will be saved from all the rude things I did in the past. But I was unhappy. I don’t remember anymore what happened next. What I know is, the boy did not attend school at the start of the semester and was gone for good.

Whenever I think about all those past experiences, I can’t help but connect it with what is happening in my life right now. I think I am having the love karma.

For the first time that I have fallen in love, I was rejected. I haven’t confessed my feelings for that someone, but I know and I feel (because it is very obvious) that the feeling is not mutual. I try to move on from that love even though it is hard. Soon, I was able to find again someone to love, but unfortunately, that someone is already in love with another girl.

I know it is still too early to say this but I haven’t seen the one who makes my heart flutter again. I have been patiently waiting and there are times that I feel depressed because I seem to wait in vain. Whether it is karma or just my fate, the least thing that I can do is to accept whatever it is to come.

Just recently, I saw the first boy who confessed to me. He was doing good and from what I heard he was already married with two beautiful kids. I was happy for him. And I can’t help but remember that last encounter I had with him. Have I reacted properly to him that time, would my fate be different? Or will it still be the same? Well, I guess all I have are what ifs, because now, everything are just memories of the past.

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