I have been lonely for the past days. If I be will frank with myself, I will have to admit that I am missing the company of someone. This is a very unusual and unsettling feeling for me. Days passed the growing emptiness inside me kept on getting bigger. Usually, when I feel this kind of loneliness, I just get my phone and call my friends. But this time, it is different. Even my friends’ companionship just adds to the loneliness I feel.
My take on singlehood has never changed. I still believe that single women can live without men. They can strive for their career and sense of independence to make them happy. I for myself have strived to make my career economically good and tried to live a life under no one’s shadow but myself.
But things have changed. As I grow old, I realized that all the successes you can have and the freedom you can take will not fully make you happy. I am not saying that I am already successful and I have enough freedom to do everything. I am still in this process and I still have a long way to go. But during this process, I have already felt the emptiness of being alone.
I know it is ridiculously silly to think that I need someone to make me happy. For I know that happiness is a choice and that people are not things to be possessed. But the days of loneliness have pushed me to think that it is ok to be selfish and admit that you also need someone to be happy.
Well, I am a little bit surprised with myself in confessing all these. Having someone is not of a big deal for me in the past. But now, it has seemed to occupy my mind, even though I refuse to. And this hugely upsets me, for it means I cannot control my own mind and heart.
What surprises me is that, I was never in a relationship before, and yet I am acting as if I am missing something that I never had. I have fallen in love, but it is as far as an unrequited and unconfessed one. Perhaps curiosity adds to what I am feeling now.
One time, I met a good-looking man. I end up admiring him. Since my imagination is my privilege, I end up thinking about the man more. But I stopped when I suddenly notice the obvious. The man is beyond my reach. He was too handsome and good that thinking about him as my partner is like turning water into wine.
This particular instance has led me to realize that I am not good enough, at least, for the one that I like.
We all have our own standards when it comes to partners, but we rarely think if we are good enough to deserve these standards. I may want to have a handsome lover, but am I pretty enough for that someone? I may want to have a successful and rich boyfriend, but am I successful and financially stable enough for that man?
I am not saying that I should lower my standard just to level with a man that could become my partner. But I realized that seeking love is like seeking success. It is not that easy. If I wanted to have a successful boyfriend then, I should strive to be successful first so that we will be able to live in the same world.
This realization has inspired me to be good and push myself harder. I know this is a misguided motivation for no one should strive for success based on his/her romantic preference. Success is something we do for ourselves. But then again it will do no harm to add this misguided motivation, to all the motivations you have in attaining success.
We may have s different take on this matter. And I know I am crazy to think such things for an empowered woman should not depend her happiness to someone. But humans are weak, and female specie is not particularly strong. The twentieth century may have changed the way we think about women, but they are still the same person that God created from man’s side. So I think it is sometimes, ok to admit that women also need men and vice versa. But for those who do not need this admission, I salute you!