Of first times and belongingness

I do understand that there are a lot of things that I don’t know and I often wonder what it will be like to experience all these. However, I asked myself if this curiosity is enough to really prepare me for the unknown. Moreover, considering the expectations we have set, consciously or not, may go against us. But then again, the anticipated satisfaction in discovering the unknown is there.

Last Friday night, I was dragged by one of my office mates to a bar. I was really surprised to find myself with her in the middle of the night. I never expected that seating in a café drinking café Americana and coffee mocha will turn out into an escapade to all the night bars and discos in the area.

For two young girls roaming around in dark alleys, the odds are not in our favor. For the whole tour, my eyes try to adjust with the unfamiliarity of the place. My brain is trying to be rational in keeping myself sane and my heart calm.

One of the dangerous things that one can do in his life is to go in a place doing something, utterly unprepared. However, no one can deny that beautiful and exciting sensation of experiencing something different.

Under the dancing colored lights, the dark smoke, the smell of booze and the noise, is a naïve girl trying to belong. With my physical appearance and my ignorance over the place, adapting seems next to impossible. I obviously don’t belong in this world.

After 30 minutes of walking, finally, we were able to settle down in one of the famous bars in the area. I know it is one of the famous because aside from its strategic location, I often see it crowded from afar.

I expected more from this place since it is so popular. However, I was disappointed to see that the place is so plain ordinary. However, the uninteresting things that I find in the place seem to be invisible to the people in there since the bar is packed with people.

We settled in a corner and my friend ordered for a lady’s drink and I ordered for a cola.  My preference for the cola has nothing to do with my distaste for the booze. I just don’t want to be drunk while in this kind of place and miss the opportunity of observing everything around here.

With our occasional smiles and stares, and unsuccessful attempts to open a conversation, I can feel the boredom creeping between us. Then, I decided to continue my observation over the place, while she continues to silently drink her punch.

People seem to be enjoying their selves with all the booze and loud music. Some were even brave enough to stand on their seat and dance as if no one is watching.

It was 2am in the morning and I am getting dizzy because of lack of sleep. My mind wonders at the comfort of my bed and the company of a good book.

With this in mind, I suddenly felt pity over myself. How can I think of such things while in this kind of place? Later on, my frustrations over the situation were diverted in my incessant apology to my friend for not being a good companion.

I don’t want her to feel bored. But bringing me in this kind of place is trying to mix water and oil.

I went home with the whole experience in my head. I realized that the place may be boring for my own standard but it is not the case. The place or the situation is not the problem. My expectation over the situation is the problem.

My prejudices over the situation shut me out completely .It was my fault for thinking such things that I failed to enjoy everything and felt bored. And it’s kind of pathetic and too late for me now to realize all these.

We all have our first times. We sometimes dream about it. We set expectations even we don’t want to. And sometimes we tend to forget how to live and savor that very moment. Sometimes our prejudices stop us from appreciating and enjoying life.

Nonetheless, this “first time” has left me an important lesson that I will never forget.


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