I dream about dying

Jeux-de-Jambes-by-Martin-Bing-05

Last week I was thinking about death. Not specifically about my own death but somehow the whole concept of it.

Perhaps my thought about this is because of that horrifying image of the slumped pale dead body of a man in a vehicle accident when I was going to work one morning. The memory of the man’s dead body has lingered my thoughts every single morning especially whenever I pass by the place where the accident took place.

Death.

I know that all of us have to leave this world. No one can escape death. However, I was wondering how my own death will be? Will I die because of a car accident? Probably, since I have poor eyesight and unreliable instinct which makes me really bad road crosser. Not to mention, my friends with incredible driving talent who seems to always compete with trucks and heavy vehicles whenever we travel.

On the other hand, I will probably die because of an incurable disease or a surgery gone wrong. Well, this past weeks I have been feeling unusual bumps on my chest. These bumps could be malignant or something like that, that it would require me to go under an operation or medication that will soon kill me more or less.

Well, I could also die due to an attack of some stranger trying to get my bag or things like that.

That simple incident of seeing a dead body has totally affected me. And what’s worse is that I even entertain it and let it corrupt my mind. I know that thinking about these useless things is crazy. I know that these things cannot happen just because I said them, but again the chances that it can happen is also a possibility considering how dangerous this world can be.

We have our life to live but we don’t know when it will be taken away from us.

I have shared these disturbing thoughts to one of my trusted friends. And I told her that if I will die, so be it. As a friend, she got worried with what I told her. After some nagging and motivation that I should stop thinking about this, she shared her sentiments on the matter.

She agreed that we don’t have much hold of our life, but when that time comes, she wants to be prepared.

I smiled and realized that she was right.

I know it is improper to dream of your own death.

You can dream of falling in love, getting married, getting the career you wanted or the life you think you deserve and etc. However, it was rare for us to dream of our own death.

But since it is inevitable I would like to dream about it.

Just like my friend. I want to be prepared when I die. I want it to be a natural death. A death due to disease sounds better than a death due to an accident. For me there is nothing more uncool, than having your family and friends mourn on your damaged body.

I don’t want to be put in a casket. I always tell my friends that when I die I want to be burned and be thrown somewhere. I don’t want to leave my bones here on earth.

Our bodies are fragile and I believe that they are just containers of who we really are. And so when I die I don’t want to leave traces of who I am just for worms to eat.

The afterlife is something we all don’t know. And I think that it is good for us to not know anything about it.

I don’t really care what it will be after I die. Will I go to heaven or hell? Will I be satisfied beneath the clouds or suffered in the pits of hell? I don’t really much care.

Whether we are prepared or not, death will come to us in forms that we may not know. Death is necessary, because it gives us reason to appreciate things more.

I think living forever is boring and undoubtedly cruel. If humans will live forever, they will soon get tired and lonely. They won’t be able to love fully and experience the ecstatic of being alive. There is no escape in this cruel, boring and mundane life.

 Death, I realized is not just an end or a beginning, but it is somehow a gift, a blessing. 

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