I don’t remember anymore, who told me this, or to what book or article I have read it. But now, as I continue to discover different emotions and feelings, I somehow understand the meaning of this.
I can still remember, the first boy whom I hated so much. I was just 12 years old then when he confronted me and told me the meanest thing that a guy can tell to a young girl that would crush her self-esteem forever. (Sorry, but I can’t disclose it).
Up until now, I am still enraged whenever I think about that moment. I have not seen the guy for more than a decade, but what he did at that time is still fresh in my memory. I tried to forget it and forget him. But it was impossible. To make it worst, the experience I have with him was repeated when I was in high school.
I promised myself that I will never shed a tear for a guy, because I believe it is pointless and unworthy. However, when this boy shouted at me the cruelest words ever, I just can’t help my eyes from shedding the painful tears in my life. That boy was the worst boy I have ever met. No one in our class likes him. But he has the nerve to shout at me and say awful things. He saw me cry and did not even say sorry for what he did. He was so conceited, even if he, himself, knows that he was the one at fault.
Don’t get me wrong. I did not do anything to them. However, I think during those times, they are just pissed and I am the most accessible and nearest girl they can bully. (sigh).
I have not forgotten those experiences and I don’t think I am ready to forgive them. I know it has been a long time and I should not dwell on the past, which I don’t. But those memories always came rushing back whenever a dickhead or an annoying man comes out of nowhere and bug me.
However, this time, I know how to handle it. I just let myself get pissed for a moment, and I will totally ignore or forget everything about what happen. In the end, I don’t really give a fuck to whatever these dickheads are trying to do. I have run out of fuck to give.
As I have said, indifference is the opposite of love. Hating these people will only prove that they have control over my life. That I am really affected by them. Which is in fact should not be the case.
Because of my bad experiences with men, I have become sensitive in dealing with the opposite sex, especially strangers. Others regard this sensitivity, as me being a “man hater”. But I am not. I just have these issues towards some assholes.
I know we have our own experiences with regards to hating someone. But in the end, it all comes back to us. It is like a boomerang. Once you throw it away it will go back to you. The thing is, those men who have bullied me in the past are enjoying their lives. While I am here, right now, writing something about them and remembering all these bad things. Sounds unfair right?
Well, this will be the last time that I will be talking about this. I have not told anyone about these experiences, because I was trying to forget and ignore it. But still, it is part of my past. And in order to move on I have to confirm its existence and ignore it afterwards.