My b@#$ht pride made me lonely

lonely_bench_1_by_mezuss-d524dn2

I must remind myself that pride can make someone alone and unhappy.

Since last year, I have been anticipating the back-to-back concert of my favorite bands performing this January 2014 at my former school. I feel really excited just thinking about how wonderful and amazing the concert will be. However, everything turned out unexpectedly… lonely.

Out of the thousand fans present in the concert, I was at the far end of the concert hall, alone and lonely. I usually cry whenever I hear my favorite songs being played by my favorite bands, but at that time, I tried not to shed any tear that will give the people around me reason that I am not happy being there, alone. I am, in fact, happy. It is one of my dream concerts. However, being alone with no one to share this happiness is something I never thought I cannot bear.

The event organizer is a good and very close friend of mine. I thought my connection with her, will somehow help me have free tickets and backstage pass. However, none of this materialized. My friend was so busy that she can’t seem to accommodate my calls. Well, I do understand her. It is not easy to organize and oversee such big event. And so, I did not bother her anymore and I bought my own ticket.

I somehow expected to see her and be with her throughout the concert. But to my dismay, I end up watching alone. Again she was too busy that I cannot seem to find her. One of my friends who happened to be there texted me and wished that we can watch the concert together. This friend of mine was luckily seating in the VIP section. I got a bit envious and I knew at that point, someone has helped her to be in there.

Because of this, my pride told me to watch the whole performance alone. I convinced myself that this is ok. Being alone in this kind of place is normal. I’m a big strong girl and I am ok with this.

But no, I feel shit.

No one can be happy watching their favorite bands singing their best songs in front of happy fans who were singing their hearts out with them, be happy watching alone in the dark corner.

I can go to a movie house alone. I can shop alone. I can eat alone in a fancy restaurant. I can stay in the house alone. I can walk in the park alone. But I cannot in a place where everyone is having fun with their friends, be happy alone.

I was so pathetic.

I just should probably go at that time and enjoy the comforts of our home. But no, I decided to stay and watch till the end.

The whole performance was really great and amazing.  The bands performed some of the songs they rarely sing during concerts. What is even more amazing is that you can hear the reverberating voices of the fans passionately singing with the bands. Goosebumps.  Perhaps this is the only perks of watching from the back. You can see, feel and hear everything.

I am no introvert or anti-social. I do have a lot of friends! But none of them was there with me to share those goose bumps feeling.

I was alone and I know it was my fault.

If only I tried asking my other friends to join me that day, if only I went directly to my friend who is the event head, telling her that I want to watch the concert with her, if only I just forget my pride and tell her that I am lonely, I would not have this regret.

The next day, I texted one of my best friends and told her everything about what happened. I was so touched because I saw in her eyes the loneliness she has felt for me. But what surprised me more is to know that my best friend is so much willing to join me there, have I just told her everything about the concert.

And from here, I realized an important lesson. I have friends. I just have to acknowledge their presence. I can tell them everything that I want and I don’t want because I know they will listen and they will care. I just have to trust them and set aside “pride” that has done no good to me.

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