“Love of mine… someday you will die. But I’ll be close behind and follow you into the dark.”
I thought losing someone, would be my greatest fear. But as I continue to grow and discover the things that I have to discover, I guess walking into the darkness would count to the list of one of my greatest apprehension.
Ignorance is bliss.
I always remind myself that it is ok to be afraid of what you do not know. And I guess that applies to darkness.
After I had my daily dose of coffee, I found myself walking under the heavy rain. I did not think of staying somewhere and waited for the rain to stop. At that moment, I just feel like walking and going home. Not that I am tired of walking around alone nor uninterested to the same stalls in the mall, I just find the comfort of solitude at home. And so, with my handy umbrella I decided to walk and face head on the raging rain. Perhaps the courage I have is because of that strong Arabica coffee that is now flowing into my veins.
I have anticipated walking down the water logged road but I have not expected the unwelcoming sight of darkness.
I was struggling to walk down the dark street. I was thanking the moon or rather the moon’s light, which gives me a temporary visibility over the dark alley.
While walking, I can feel my eyes adjusting to the darkness. My eyeballs seem to pop out just to keep up with the light that seems to disappear slowly. I suddenly felt the fast beating of my heart when there was a sudden disappearance of light.
It took me awhile to realize that I am already walking in a complete darkness.
I shut my eyes to regain the strength of searching again the light. And when I opened it, I was greeted with the same darkness before I closed it. I had no choice but to continue walking under the darkness.
I continue walking in a slow phase.
Despite the darkness, I can still feel the water below me and the pouring rain coming from above, but I don’t seem to feel my hands or my body. From that moment, I know that my eyes have accustomed to the absence of light, thus making me invisible to my own self. My eyes were wide open with nothing. I can’t see my hands or my body. In a matter of seconds, I question my own existence.
However, I was saved with my instinct to continue walking.
I had escaped that dark alley. Seconds that I thought were decades, I was greeted by the artificial lights coming from each household near our home. It was a relief to stand in front of our door under the raging rain.
I went inside and immediately took a seat and let my heart race until my whole body decided to calm down.
I thought I am used to darkness. Given the sudden and unexpected power interruption at night, I am sure I can manage the darkness pretty well. But then, I realized being in the darkness, ALONE, is far, far different with the darkness that you experience inside your home when your dad and mom is around.
Darkness and loneliness are two powerful phenomena that I dread to feel again. And I don’t think that experience would be enough to teach me how to befriend darkness. That feeling of the unknown was something that I know won’t be bearable. It inflicts an invisible pain that will hunt you when you least expect it.
Loneliness is bearable so is darkness. But joined together would seem to be someone’s inexistence.